Personal Space

2007-02-05T22:35:00.000+08:00

I have that feeling, but i just can't put a reason to it. I've been thinking throughout the journey home yesterday, what has causes this coldness between us. Was it me or was it something else. I wanted to ask, but i gave up that thought. i was afraid of what will happen after that, i just want to keep my stable mood and concentrate on my driving test today. because, every little thing which you said might cause some great impact on me. even though i wanted to call immediately after my test, i hesitated. i dont know why i have this hesitation out of the sudden. but something tells me that you might not want to hear from me.
its never secured with this cold shoulder, sometime last week, i did ask why is there a cold attitude, but you said i'm thinking too much. i told myself after im really thinking too much. i'm thinking from the day before we get together till today. from the day i treat you as a good friend till the day i fall for you. all the messages of memories in my phone, they are the sweetest dream. i love you because i love you, not out of sympathy or anything that you have. but do you love me as much as before? more than before? or no more?
i've never wanted to control your smoking habits. from the start, you know that. its just that occasionally i will tell you to smoke lesser but i din say i hate it. yesterday its because that you are sick, i'm just asking it as a concern, but maybe to you.. i'm trying to control you and you are putting your guards upfront because you dont wish to go into the same past history again. i don't know, but i dont wish to make any assumption on that case. at that moment, you just hurt me, made me feel as if im of no importance at all. but, if i have wanted to control, i would have done it long ago, why wait till now?
you want me to tell you when i find out the answer.
my answer is:
maybe i've not done enough. or is it that i'm the one who is being cold? or is it that i'm always being busy with my own things? or is it that i've not learn to initiate something yet? or is it that i'm not a good girlfriend at all, or not even suitable to be one?

2006-12-31T01:18:00.000+08:00

It's the last day of the year 2006. Nothing much to regret now. I'm just glad that i have someone who has always been standing by my side through this year, at least, i enjoyed the taste of happiness as well as your presence. I don't know what will happen in the following years of today. But i really hope that no matter how much is the change, our love will remain the same. No matter what happens, we will always have each other.

It's another new year again, sorrows are to be forgotten, happiness are to be continued, memories are to be kept. But at least i envy myself. Envious of my own happiness.

*One of my new year resolution is : to make you happier, my love*

2006-10-24T21:01:00.000+08:00

It's another public holiday. But i wish that this holiday will go on and on. Don't feel like going back to school, i don't know why. Not feeling so good. Just not good, but i couldn't explain why. Probably just some mood swing which i used to have. Probably my mood swings which i thought has disappear had come back again. I'm always feeling so exhausted, as if i'm under some drugs. I don't know if it was a good or bad thing to be so cool towards everything. Or should i just kick a fuss out of something. But since don't know when, i seem to feel a little sour over some little things. I realize that is jealousy. Where's my sense of coolness? Where's that cold-hearted Ice Princess? What am i now?

2006-10-23T18:51:00.000+08:00

Mm.. what should i update here?

I miss you, i miss you, i miss you..
I miss my darling. I miss him from the moment he step out of my sight till the moment i see him again.
I love you, i love you, i love you..
I love every moment with my darling. I love the way he hold me. I love his cheekiness. I love his innocence. I love everything about him. I love him to the max.
I want you, i want you, i want you..
I want to be by my darling's side no matter what happens. I want him to be happy. I want this happiness to stay on and on..

Blog updated!

2006-08-30T23:18:00.000+08:00

My blog no.2 is out yet not completed at www.sinners-thrill.blogspot.com

2006-07-14T20:37:00.000+08:00

These few days, practically these few days, i'm feeling so tired. I feel like shutting down. Even right now. Projects.. zz..

I kind of miss my dear. I miss him lots. Probably the moments we could get together has been minimize as time goes by. Other than the time in school by coincidence or not. But i understand that he has to work on weekends, moreover he has other activities in school.

I'm acting weird? Am i? I'm just finding a shoulder to lie on.. Yes, i miss him and i'm tired.

I'm used to going home without someone sending, i'm alright with that. I call it independent. But people think that i'm just being optimistic.

-different, i'm just different-

2006-06-20T17:03:00.000+08:00

Outside is cold. But i don't feel any warm inside either. It's cold too, inside me. I've touched the highly electrified wires, ouch... it hurts. Once bitten twice shy. I'm afraid to go near it again. But i have to. Behind them is where i won't feel so cold. Either i freeze to death or get electrified. I've fled out of the warm comfort to feel the coldness outside. To others, its raining. To me, it's snowing. That's so ironic. I've no warning, i'm paranoid. It has its own defense and i'm left with no ideas. I'm looking at my scalded hand. Will the scar stay forever? Dare i go near it again? Dare i risk my soul to heaven; in the pool of snow, the mid of coldness, tangled in wires of pain looking at something called home. A home which i called mine, with no sorrows, no worries, no irritation, my paradize.

2006-06-20T01:09:00.000+08:00

Probably this is unfair. Physically there, however my soul was lost somewhere else. Practically walking around like a walking corpse but i guess, she doesn't know so that's fine.

So much of thoughts, so much of changes. I've lost myself to my unexpected stranger. The way i did it show it. Probably they meant nothing to my unexpected stranger, but they meant alot of me. Mistakes are made easily, Forgiveness are given with difficulty, To forget takes time and agony. I saw the scar, an obvious one. So loud till its screaming in my head. So cold till i'm afraid to go near it.

2 long paragraphs of thoughts, but i've deleted them away. My brain just went blank half way.

2006-06-10T13:38:00.000+08:00

So now i know. Some of the things about what he thinks about me. From the start, i know that i'm like this. Probably i still haven't change a bit at all. The way i feel, the way i want to do and the way i do it is a complete different thing. Almost everytime, there are something which i feel like doing but i didn't do it in the end. There are things which i want to say, but still, i didn't manage to say it out either. Almost all that he said, hit the 'once i thought of and wanted to do' point. But i'm somewhat redrawing myself from something. I didn't show it that i want him, i love him even though that's what my feeling tells me. Maybe it's my own boundary, my fear and my past.. but from this moment, i'm stepping out of them. I'm moving towards where my heart leads me to and where my feeling wants me to. This is a promise, i've made to myself and to him.

He made me sort out my thinking and clear out my mind a little. At least, i've gotten part of my answers though i know i didn't say much last night. But still, i got my answer indirectly. He made me feel so ignorant but at least i understand something.. something which i know that he will be right about my future if i still keep moving on at this pace. Nobody has tell me that as clearly as what he said that made me so guilt-striken.

And now.. i'm speechless..

2006-06-06T23:26:00.000+08:00

Eh? Wait a minute. I just finish my previous blog and i just saw the date. 06 June 06 .. mm.. its the birth of the devil's child. Woo.. that's cool. And there's something about it too which suddenly occurs to me. Today is the 6 which means tomorrow is the 7? In another words, another month has past. Whao.. time flies. And it flew too fast for me to notice.

Well darling, since i've noticed it.. 'Happy 2 months' love. But i doubt you will notice it. Lolx.

2006-06-06T22:17:00.000+08:00

When is this week gonna end? -.- haix.. slow. I hate exams. Carc was ok for me today. How can it not be alright? If it isnt.. ha. I'm gonna die. Dsag on the other hand was a killer. I dun wanna repeat this either. How pathetic..

Mm.. we did something rather bad today. Or is it really that bad i dont know. But the whole group of us is making out stories lying to one person. Who is the one at fault, i also dont know. But i still think that he shouldnt use that as a threat. It's like a curse, and he always uses that. it made me feel irritated. He contridute himself yesterday too, infront of us. Sometimes, i think if i'm ling, i will feel betrayed. I mean the one whom you trusted most usually should be the one whom you love most. But for her, it turn out as the opposite. Whatever told was being exposed.

She loves him, she said he was the one she love most. Never had she love anyone as much before. She confide her deepest sorrows which she had not told the rest. I understand why is she doing all of what she is doing now. I admit to her that i might not take it too if i were to be in her shoe. Probably i might do the same or worst. Who knows. She was afraid now. Afraid that he might have found another love soon. She really couldn't take it nor put it down. I hope that won't happen.. i dont want her to go into anything worst than now. Cause for me, it definitely will. She is making alot of assumption. I've run out of consoleing words. I have only to speak the truth. But.. truth hurts. The only way out was to have a better someone who could heal her pain. Like how my pain was heal. It takes time, it's hard.

Haix.. ling is confused, cat told me she is confused too.. this person dunno what to do.. that person dunno what to think.. one word to describe .. S.O.R.R.O.W.S .. it's always in the air.

Oh whatever, back to exams better. Cmaths should be ok for tomorrow. 1st few chapters are alright. Oopg next. Damn.. that's another killer whale. Have to start mugging again tomorrow. Exams are my sorrows. Ha!

2006-06-04T22:03:00.000+08:00

ALERT! I need a sugar daddy.
Because i have a meanie mommy. Sobs sobs.

Ahh.. i'm heavily in debt. My hp bill for last month burst and i'm suppose to pay for it myself? Wah.. and that mommy of mine tell me out of the sudden.. how she expect me to pay. Not again.. she always come out with different insane stunt. I haven't pay off my previous debts you know, my dear mommy.. argh.. My money keeps flying out like nobody's business and when i need them badly, they are no where found.

This is so sick lah. I think i will find myself working during my holidays.. Sianzation.. people needs money to go shopping.. while for me, i need them to clear off debts first before anything else. It's always like that. I think i need some ground rules.

Rule 1: No more cabbing to school. I think all my money flew into cabs in the morning. $10/day. That's alot lo!! And i took approximately 3 times per week.
Rule 2: No more temptation and impulsive buying of things. I always buy things than cast them aside in the end.
Rule 3: No more asking of people to help me buy things first. That's where my debts come from lah.
Rule 4: No more imports of oversea goods. It's expensive lor. The shipping fee is double the price of my goods!
Rule 5: No more arcade. I could spend 30 dollars ++ in there and its gone within an hour. How wasteful.

Therefore, i need to wake up early in the morning.. gina.. no more slacking on bed!! you need tons of morning calls. And.. pull me out of any shopping areas, any internet shopping sites and any arcades. Don't ask me if i want to buy these or that or not.. the answer is NO.
Eeewww... life is terrible without money.

2006-06-04T14:00:00.000+08:00

Study makes me sick. Duhz.. But i don't have a choice.. Still have to study. I have to pass all modules for this semester!! Oh.. com'on gina.. be motivated. zzzz..

This is a picture of my little darling boy boy. I find him sooo cute when we are looking at them playing through the window. He just caught my eyes somehow. I was telling the others that i find this little sweetie cute, than he came over to the window and say 'Hello' .. haha.. so cute can? He was holding his toy and keep coming over and we just started off talking. Ling took a picture of him while we are talking. I think i will find myself outside the childcare every friday. But he is a naughty little one too. I've been standing there for only a short period of time and i saw him getting scolding a couple of time. That's how i get to know his name. . eyan.. he is just so cute lo..

ahh.. enough of craps.. back to studying..

2006-06-01T00:36:00.000+08:00

My tears fell on 0040, 31 may..
It lost it's full control and i can't hold it back. It was sadness.. it was heart-pierceing.. it was guilt and everything that causes it. I'm all alone when it lost control. And maybe.. i should be glad that i'm alone at that time.

I know i'm irresponsible. All i want was to wait for you to end school. I know its late, i know it's gonna be long. Ling asked me to go home, but i insist on waiting, so i decided to send her home to spend the leftover time away. But later did i know that i didn't judge my time well at all. I was on the bus back to tampines when my phone went 3/4 dead. Or maybe should i slap myself for the stubborness too.

I know i'm egoistic. I'm still as egoistic even when i'm at fault. I know that i'm at fault. I knew it in my heart but i just hate to admit that. Scold me for that stupid pride.. but i am. And i hate to apologize. This cause me to be unreasonable..

I'm insensitive to feelings that has to do with me. I'm learning to catch it. But... i still fail to do so most of the time. Maybe.. I'm still not a good girlfriend after all.

But.. did anyone know? That i'm afraid.. i'm afraid of being walked out on. I'm afraid of regection. I'm afraid of being left alone. I'm afraid of being ignored. I'm afraid of broken heart. I'm just a glass packed in a wooden box. It looks unbreakable on the outside. But who would have guess that it would be a fragile piece of glass inside? Who will know when it's still strong and durable outside but have smashed into thousands of broken pieces inside. Who will know when i look strong and unaffected on the outside but my heart has cried a million tears.
Who will know all these?

2006-05-30T03:12:00.000+08:00

Ooo.. just finish reading many people's blog. lolx. And almost all have updated. I'm doing lame stuff. Reading blogs and writing testi. When am i going to study? Oh god! It's always tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow never ends. I know myself well alright? haha. *slaps myself for knowing it yet doing it* .. oh ya.. talking about the blog. I realize that it's lao da that comes into the picture during the 'incident' in zouk after reading ling's blog. Haha. So it's lao da that save us lor. Lao da jiu shi lao da.. always so protective towards us. When ling mention that lao da give the 'wo yao da ren le' look.. i was laughing like mad. Haha. Funny lo. I think ling updated alot on what happen. I'm lazy to go into details like they do.

I hope ling is alright and got her freedom soon. So poor thing.. She suffers all because of an night outing. What is her parents thinking? !st semester chalet is bad enough and now this? Haix.. oh all mommies and daddies.. please open up your mind. We teenagers are not living in your old 60's or 80's..

I told my parents about the restriction that some parents give. They say i 'sheng zai fu zhong bu zhi fu'.. but i was thinking.. i 'xin fu' mah? Lolx. They asked me what if i was also being restricted that way. I told them that i will die. And i think i seriously will.

Today..
Dennis asked: When i say gIna.. what is the first thing that comes to your mind?
Others answered: Late, play and everything except studying.
gIna: Imao!! Am i that bad?

Well..
All work and cropping up at home but no play or going out makes gIna a dull girl.

2006-05-27T19:07:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, a day of new experience. It's also a day of getting old. Oh man.. i hate that word. My sweet seventeen is GONE.. and will never be back. But well, it's sometime since we got to hang out together.

My Favourite Type of Photo Shoot. ~ 3 consecutive shots ~

On the way to Orchard

YongHua!! It's been a long long time since he hang out with us. I miss those days.

~Bo Liao~ + ~Zhi Lian~ = gIna and suLing

..Me, MeiYun and SuLing..

Whoever knows me, will know that i love those 'party-like' stuff. The very 1st experience of clubbing is not too bad to me. Probably because i got to the mood. Well, if i could make it for the so many 'dates' last time, probably yesterday night will not be my 1st experience anymore. But i think, i'll be going on occasionally base and not on addictive base. Maybe my next clubbing night will be quite some time later.

2006-05-18T03:27:00.000+08:00

Finally, i'm done with my cmsk 2. Phew.. one assignment completed. I kept falling asleep halfway through my assignment. zzz... but luckily i didn't slept through the night like yesterday.

At least my headache had subsides.. it's just a minor one. Probably not having enough sleep causes it to happen. Now it's just the cough... i'm waiting for it to cure.. Not that i'm trying to be stubborn and not wanting to see a doctor, but.. i just don't like to take medicine.

Listening to the classic tune of 'A song of memory' .. so much memory to recall indeed. Mine and others.. i'm walking into another person's memory.. and i'm sure that somewhere out there, someone is walking into my memory too. My memory, my past.. i still see the similarity now. What is that so? I don't want that.. i really don't want. Tell me its not true.. reassure me please..

~~ A voice from the past, joining yours and mine~~

2006-05-17T00:21:00.000+08:00

A sweet melody from my phone made my heart skipped a beat. I shouldn't be thinking of it this way. Haix. But it's a false alarm. Oh well, i know times have changed.. things have changed.. so am i.

Feeling rather terrible this morning. Having headache, slight giddyness and the feel of throwing up is there too. I think i practically slept through half of the lesson then i went to the wash room... got the feeling of throwing up.. but i can't.. knees are weak and so i practically collaspe on the floor, sitting down. I think i stayed in the cubicle for quite some time, when i went back to the lab.. 10 mins plus had past. I think ling have blog some of the things which we did after my lab.

Alright.. have to start doing my cmsk. zzz

2006-05-16T03:08:00.000+08:00

Time is getting nearer to dateline. I hate this. Argh.. Ling, jf and ivan are gonna watch the movie 'voice' tomorrow. Can i not go?

What exactly is happening? Does everything has to change within the blink of an eye? Today i was telling kris that our people are dispersing. From group of 9 to group of 5. I don't care.. i'm gonna call for gathering next week. But this week hardly gone half yet. -.- I don't look that emotional at times, but sometimes i could get emotional over every little thing can?

Haix.. i wanna sleep.. don't wanna think. But.. i kept dreaming of something these days. Something so real but i can't remember what. I don't know what's messing inside my head. It's all confusion. I don't want to lead a simple life.. but doesn't mean that i want a life filled with complications, doubts and sadness.

Who can i be open up to? Tell me that. Of all the friends around me, there bound to be something which i'm keeping from them. It's not as if i could really speak everything that's in my mind. I don't want to look so vulnerable, i don't want them to know that i could collapse anytime. Kristin was testing a physicology test on me the other time, one of the question was to choose an animal, i chose horse, and she gave me a surprise look. Saying that the size of the animal you've chosen is the amount of troubles you had in your mind. I was smiling to her and said it was not accurate, i don't have that much trouble in my mind. But how accurate could it be?

Recently, there are quite a number of unhappiness coming upon us huh? I've lost count of the number of times the magic word, 'sorry' was used. I've also lost count of the number of times when we have tried to give in to each other.

gIna's most vulnerable side, was all exposed here.

2006-05-11T21:45:00.000+08:00

Sitting in the isolated room with four walls, listening to the splattering sound of the rain, i'm secured. With heart wandering outside my soul, waiting in slient pace, i'm totally insecured. My sudden thoughts caught the differences of life. It's like an item (something rather expensive) had caught the full attention of someone who has just step into a shop. It has caught the person's liking making him had the urge to get it. Without having much cash, he has no choice but to save day after day. Even taking a look at the item everyday could make him happy. He has to make every effort, making sure that it's not being sold out. Till the day when he got it, he will have the sense of happiness. But, sadly.. the love for the item does not last long. Soon, it would be something which could be dump away for a moment, pick it up again. Scatch it sometimes, drop it another time without having a bit of heartache. How long will it last before it's being totally dump aside? This is the metaphor of life. Of a two person's reality. Duration is the only difference. Responsibilty is another case.

There is emptyness in me. But i can't fill it to the brim. There is dilemma in me. But i can't make a choice. There is unspoken sorrow in me. But i can't get them out. There's no point lying to own heart. Uneasiness is what i felt. But i don't know the reason behind it. I've never felt so uneasy with a girl. It's like 2 teaspoon of 'apologic' syrup, 3 teaspoon of 'questioning' sugar, and 100ml of 'others' ingredients all mixed into a glass of 'gina's terrible feeling' water. And in that few minutes, i have to gobble them all down. I almost had choke to death.

Truth is what people always wanted. Lies is what people always unwanted. However, sweet words are what people love. Heart piercing words are what people hate. If sweet words are always the truth, why do we have to lie? If lies are what people hate, why want to listen to sweet words?

Darling, i know i've chose to tell you truth over lies all the time. And twice, i saw your expression changed immediately. Trust me, i won't give myself to someone out of sympathy. I won't put in true love out of sympathy. Sympathizing someone will not give me the true feeling of jealousy. You know, my heart is given to you. But please dear.. tell me what you are feeling and what you are thinking, happy or unhappy. Don't just give me a cold shoulder. I don't like that. It hurts at times, and at others, it's touching the tolerance. I really do love you. Love is sweet, but it do hurts. Here goes a philosophy: " The amount of love you put in is the amount of hurt you will get. " So don't try the hurting part on me. Cause it will hurt me more than a bullet in my heart.

2006-05-05T00:08:00.000+08:00

Tommorow's gonna be a long day for me huh. Starting school at 8 and i guess i have to end my day off at around 2 plus midnight. I'm going to work for 3 hrs. How pathetic.

Drowsiness is dwelling on me. Yesterday was the day when i slept the earliest among my sooo very long past history. 12 plus.. haha. However, today ended fast too. It's just the 2nd week of school and i'm having truency. How to survive for the rest of the semester? Goodness! My cmsk tuitor even counted for me how many more times of invalid absence can i have before my debarment. zzz.. I'm suffering from severe STM nowadays. I could actually forgot that i've eaten before my cmsk lesson. And after my cmsk, i actually ask jiafei if she has eaten anything. She replied me, ' eaten le arh.. you still feel hungry arh? ' I was stunt for a moment. Then she continued with, ' we ate at norgen cafe remember? you had pasta. ' haha.. Still got others in the lab.. make me feel so .. dumbfounded...

I'm bored.. hurhurz.. i'm really bored lo..

2006-05-03T03:12:00.000+08:00

1st of may, it may not be a day with special occurance to me. However, i guess it's gonna be a pretty sad day for some others. I know it's hard to accept the truth. But i don't know what can i do to solve the pain. Who wouldn't want to be with their loved ones. Moreover he is the one that she is determine to settle down with. I know how much she loves him and i could somehow feel part of her sadness. For these moment, if you ever need a friend, you know i'll be there. I know she can't see what i'm typing right now. But i just want to pour out all of what i'm feeling at this moment.

Dar, i really hope that our relationship won't be affected by weeleng or anyone else. I really hate quarrels and argument. Though someone told me that there will bound to be quarrels in a relationship and with quarrels around, the relationship will last. I don't know to believe this or not. But to me, i think if there are love around, the relationship will still last even without quarrels.

I guess i'm bored now, mumbling all these out. There's something going on. Something really bad. My dilemma is back again.

2006-04-30T14:51:00.000+08:00

I'm so bored now. I'm waiting for the time to pass by, to step out of my house. Meeting my ex later. Mm.. if it is six months ago, perhaps i'll be feeling relatively happy. Haha. But the feeling isn't there anymore. I didn't get to see him for at least six months or so? Lol. I actually wanted to postpone this meeting up till tomorrow so that i'm able to accompany my dear today, but seems that, that busy guy have activities of his own already huh? So well, i shall just go according to the original plan then.

2006-04-22T04:31:00.000+08:00

Dear, I've just read your blog and I think that we have both mistook each other for something. You said you are fustrated when you saw me walking away? While i thought that you were already fustrated with me in the bus that's why i walked towards the service center to ask if the last bus have gone. After i got the answer, you were no longer in the interchange. That is when i got fustrated. So i walked home instead, hoping to calm myself down during the walking journey. I know that you are doing it for the sake of my safety. Sorry, I was too stubborn to think at that time, to think that you are doing it because you care.

Sorry for being so selfish. I already know that you are tired after the whole day of orientation and moreover you didn't sleep the night before. Yet, you still have to come all the way down to geylang just to send me home. And i even arrived late which cause you unable to catch the last bus. But darling, if you are really tired, don't have to send me. Trust me that i can take care of myself. I can give you a call or sms you to report my safety after i reach home.

Darling, you made me depend on you so much.. how do you think i'm gonna survive without you?

2006-04-21T02:03:00.000+08:00

At this moment, i wish that time will not pass by so fast. I don't wanna to go back to school so soon. After seeing my timetable today, i felt devastated. Although i had not much complains about the time arrangement, but, its gonna change again. I'm using my current timetable for monday only. Repeating the same subjects again.. Argh... stress up! I have to pass all four subjects in order to continue my poly life. I guess next semester is gonna be dull. No more breaks! Oh.. motivation.. where are you? I'm yet to find my motivation yet. At a moment of desperation, i feel like giving up on everything. But, i know i will regret after my senses have been awaken. Well, i shall endure it. What other choices do i have? None!

Everything seems to go wrong wrong wrong!! Nothing seems to go right today. I feel like screaming.. i really really do. ARGH. There are fustration in me. Something seems to be squeezing my heart hard, making me hard to breathe. It was like an nightmare, and i can't get out of it. I'm living inside it. I wish it was just a dream. Dream dream dream.. but it was real. So many things to do, so little time. I can't take stress.. I will end up in tears. And i feel like doing that now.. I need a break!

I know that this time, it's my fault. I'm sorry...

2006-04-19T03:10:00.000+08:00

I can't get to sleep again. But it's an expected case.. How could i get to sleep when i got up at seven in the evening. I stayed at home for the whole day without any complains today (or should it be yesterday). One reason is because i slept for the whole day and i woke up because i'm hungry. (die le.. i know what my dear is gonna think.. his favourite phrase lar).. Mm.. i can't think of the second reason.. i think that's the only reason. =p

Tomorrow(or rather today) is gonna be another day at home. Maybe i should ask ling out.. as promised. I realized that i've promised outing with people but put them on 'aeroplane' in the end. Oops.. =x .. I'll made it up on some other day. Well, at least apart from today.. i've got activities for the rest of the week. Hmm.. not too bad. I don't wanna be a rotting corpse. Hurhur.. School's starting so soon. There's still some stuff left undone. It's gonna be a long long weeks before my next school holiday.

Mm.. i wonder what happen to ling. She seems to have gone disappear after her trip to eugene's house. What am i thinking.. she is only not online yesterday.. But i miss her can? I miss meiyun too.. i'm waiting to see my jie fu lar. Curious can? Friday.. woohoo..

And, dear.. there's something lingering inside me.. I know that Jossie plays an important memory inside you. I know that you rely alot on her. So if you always mention about her, i accept it. Even if you do miss or think of her sometimes, i will also accept it. Or even if you happen to call me wrongly, calling me by her name instead, i will still accept it. But don't compare me with her ok? I don't like comparision. And i am who i am. I'm not Jossie. I know i will tend to rely on you more than you can rely on me. Maybe you can't rely on me at all. Maybe because i'm younger than you.. therefore my thinking might not be as mature. But even if it really did happen, or you did happen to think it that way, i will accept it too. It can't be help with one's thinking.. I don't know why, but sometimes, i'm hurt in some ways. But if you are thinking whether to hide it from me or to hurt me, i would rather you hurt me than keeping anything between us. This is my choice, so.. i will accept it. You asked me why i'm being so obedient sometimes. Because i know that my stubborness is always the cause of all troubles and quarrels. I knew it because it always happen. I don't want it to happen between us. I really don't want. I'm just telling you what am i thinking and the way i feel. I hope you will accept it too.

Love you

2006-04-16T03:35:00.000+08:00

No doubt i've slept too much in the day. I can't get to sleep now. Mm. . another week to school reopen and i'm wishing that this week don't end so fast. There's a great changes among gb between the 1st semester and the 2nd. I wonder what changes will there be again this coming semester. Whatever changes it is.. i wish its gonna turn out well. Though sometimes, i could feel the distance somehow. And now that another one is leaving.. no doubt there's some slight sadness within me.

It's unbearable being grounded. With nothing to do and being alone makes me think about alot of stuff. It's some forgotten memories or illusion which i can't recall. Aww..There are stuff which keep my darling busy for the whole of next week.. so i guess.. i have to make some arrangement for myself.

I'm gonna miss you, my dear.

2006-04-14T00:25:00.000+08:00

I'm sorry my love, if i ever made you so upset because of my hesitation. It's been a week since we've been together. I don't know if i've ever made you upset during these days, but you have accomodate them all.

I understand that there will be something from your past which you would like to keep to yourself. I don't blame you for that, neither will i think that you are lying to me. I believe that behind us, there bound to be something which we have not tell. Though i've made some wild guesses during the conversation and i don't know if i'm right.. i still respect your wish of keeping it to yourself. I guess if there comes a day, when you wish to tell me, you will.

Darling you know what? I feel that i've fallen more for you. I saw your concern for me over every little thing. Though i didn't show it. But i do feel touched. But don't always bottled things up ok? I don't want to see you sad.

Love you, my heart.

2006-04-08T03:23:00.000+08:00

7th april.. i hesitiated on the question you threw out suddenly. Seriously, i'm unsure of myself at that moment. I can't trust myself, how do i make you trust me? At my moment of hesitation, my mind was filled between you and him. I don't know if i should tell you this truth, or have you already guess it yourself?

I've agreed. No regrets. At least you are right. You've got the time which he don't, which i need. Our lifestyle, me and him, are totally different. We could get along, he could made me love him, he got my true love, but.. he can't give me the time which i need. If he could give me the time, just the time.. i won't be dwelling so much. Perhaps i get to know him 1st.. and fall for him, i'm blinded by him. I can't see the rest apart from him.

Maybe, now is a new beginning for everything. And now, you are the one..

2006-03-31T01:11:00.000+08:00

1..2..3.. what do you do when you got bored?
i've shown you my answer

2006-03-30T03:37:00.000+08:00

Love is a very complicated thing. I knew it from the way i saw it.

I miss the way the song (falling) is being played on my handphone. It's been quite some time, and when it did played.. it means something. A song and a status, dedicated to someone.

I want to know the way my heart feels. Some things have gone off track i think.

Though its simple, but i like the way yesterday past by. Perhaps simple life isn't too bad after all. At least there's something there which made me happy. Hurhurz..but is today gonna be a bad day? 1st thing.. waking up early..zzz

2006-03-29T01:17:00.000+08:00

I'm getting a little light-headed now. My temperature went up slightly. Probably caught a cold last night. I know i should be lying flat on the bed by now, but i can't get to sleep. I'm feeling relatively warm inside my body.. nothing could get that heat away. I wish that i could get out of my house now. I really don't feel like cropping myself up in this room of mine. If i could drive, speeding till the other end of singapore is what i will do now. I'm leading some kind of stupid lifestyle these days. Travelling around singapore with the help of a bus concession, pouring beer down my throat and slacking at the beach. I guess.. in another 10 hrs time, i will find myself doing these again.

2006-03-28T14:08:00.000+08:00

I don't know how to start off with my thoughts. There are alot of things running through my head. From the moment i woke up yesterday till the moment i'm typing this. For the whole journey of my bus ride yesterday, i've been occupying myself with thoughts. I admit that you made me really confused. At the very beginning, i only had him in my mind. Truthfully, he was the one who made me able to give up my past. I was rather firm about this. Until last night..

You made me feel secured in some ways. I wasn't sure about my feelings anymore. My tears fell. It fell because i feel that i've hurt you, you who care for me.. you who gives me the secured feeling.. at that moment, i realized.. i do have some feelings for you. I feel that i'm really incorrigible. It's my indecisiveness that causes these complications.

Probably it wasn't right to see him after i have the determination to give up. At the sight of him, i've lost all the will. Time was probably what i need.

I'm staring into space just now, thinking if i should have tell all these to you. I don't know his feelings and i can't catch your emotions.. i don't know if what i'm doing next is right or wrong.. i can't think anymore... i don't want it to turn out this way. If i know that it will end up like this, i rather not know anything.. i rather not know at all...

- i'm sorry.. sorry for all the sorrows which i've caused -

2006-03-24T02:00:00.000+08:00

Around 9 more hrs to the taste of freedom. No more supps. That suxs. Aww..but it was not a really good time to look forward to. I'll be with a bunch of workaholics.. no more fun. It was relatively sad. I'm still thinking of how to spend my whole of tomorrow.

2am, i sense hunger. Argh.. i remember the phrase that i like to say when young. I believe little girls do say that when they eye on something badly. It goes " i would marry that someone who would buy that big teddy bear for me " .. now i would say .. " i would marry that someone who would deliver food for me now " but i'm praying that 'that someone' is a girl. Hahaz..

I feel like taking a stroll at the beach. It was a sudden feeling. I feel like digging some sweet memories. After reading my blog all over again..i think it's not really sweet, but still..i feel like thinking. Maybe i'll spend my night at the beach tomorrow.. staying till morning after the sun rise. It's been a long time since i did that. Mmm.. i just..feel like relaxing..having the breeze blow all my unhappiness away..

It's going 2 weeks.. the distance between us is really getting further.. mm..

2006-03-22T03:28:00.000+08:00

'That' was something which has never come across my mind. Do you ever know, that you caught me by surprise? Am i wrong again? In the way which i'm doing right now? I kind of miss the one which stand so near but seems so far from me. A week and i'm beginning to miss. I was so afraid, so afraid that i lost this game. A game which i took it seriously. What if i messed them all up? What if 1 wrong idea, 1 wrong action or 1 wrong word, i'm being thrown out of my respective role? Am i going to cry in despair, seeing the one falling into others arm. I'm sliently praying.. i won't doubt that i will drown myself with that lips, throat and heart burning liquor if my prayers were to fail. I can't imagine enduring what happen in the history again.. pleasee nooo... ... *i miss you, and now..i admit again. i've fallen for you.. will you be back again?*

2006-03-04T02:07:00.000+08:00

I always thought that he is out of the topic. Because of this thought, my mind has settled down abit. But why does that fucking bastard has to be brought up again?

I'm really really really tired. Before anyone send me off to bed, i shall initiate it myself this time. Why can't there be a day with nice ending? Let me settle things down, private.

2006-03-03T03:14:00.000+08:00

One dumb bastard causes thousand complication. Hate? no...i detest him. He made my fists feel strong, ready to squash his heart till he died in agony. Although its over, but in my blood, its not. I still feel the anger while typing this. I wish that every of my characters here could drown him to death, flood his bloody freaking ugly face. I've change..yes. I've changed when you touched the untouchable soul within me. I've changed when you unleashed the shell of black heart own by the devil side of me. May you be drown by the tears of your blood.

My heart was filled with anger before everything. But after the explaination of truth, i've accepted it. Guilty was the word to say, but i regretted. It was all well till the night.. when things started to turn sour again. It was all like picking up a fight again. 'He' was no longer a topic, but a trash being detest and cast away. One once trusted, but distanced now. It was quite a while of struggled i heard.. but its all solved. Still, there are moments of anger and undefeated power deep within.

I've come to realize some things and it made me sad. It almost made me cry, but i guess you made me learn something. Throughout the conversation tonight, i've come to realize something. I've really put in love, but i can't wtihdraw it anymore. Tonight.. i've realized that my sweetheart is now an empty shell. I'm hurt. Hurt by you and my vision is now blurred by the uncontrollable tears. And finally.. i've found out the message from my heart.. .. .. the 3 truth which i don't wanna admit...

2006-02-19T00:32:00.000+08:00

I've put one to the past, part of the history..will he ever step forward?
I've put two as the memory.. a part of my story..will he ever come alive?
I've put three as the present.. in my daily life..will you ever be true?

I have saddness in my heart. I have anger passing by. It's not all about just what you think. damn it. It was all about the memories, the old lifestyle of comfort. do one get what i wanted? i don't if it was being 'blinded' or was just being over sensitive but i was not asking for what you have now. i think you are blind, blind to my needs. like i give a damn to that loads of what you all have. i like it my way. my solo fantasy and freedom for now. my blooding is boiling and it seriously pissed me off. you really made me sad. damn!!

2006-01-21T01:15:00.000+08:00

At some moments, i'm thinking that truth and serious attitude doesn't matter to me anymore. Even if it's only a lie, i'm willing to be fooled.

mercifully, letting go
hurt from love, i dare not show
remorseful sadness, do you know
slient praying, till love unfold.

Why does the feeling have to be awaken?

2006-01-13T03:38:00.000+08:00

New year's over but nothing seems to change. No beginning? Aww.. Exams have showed me my failures of my student's life. Nothing seems to be memorable over these days for me to joint them down. Let me think, hmm..nothing. How interesting could this be. What's there to blog when there's nothing to remember? Everybody seems to be dwelling on something. It's just the matter of time before the truth is out. I'm staying put to what is to be kept. I'm feeling lostt..AHhhhhh.LOSTTT!! Not in the world of my own but in the world which i don't know! I'm losing touch..ohhh ohhh.. NO! I'm feeling so so insecure.. i can't help feeling that way. HAha.
I wish i was invisible, i wish i was a fly...yet, i wish i could be seen by you. Woohooo.. how romantically stupid!!
An urge of impulsiveness dwell upon myself. I need something to deal with my emotions somehow. Perhaps that explains why i chose the arcade. I've said i don't want to have this feelings didn't i? arghh. I don't wanna admit it, but it hurts...

2005-12-28T11:51:00.000+08:00

Pity me, x'mas wasnt fun at all. argh.. i got myself into a romantic place. new year is not gonna be this way is it? i'm gonna die if it does. i'm feeling cold, wet blankets all over me. brrggg... i don't want to mean it this way but i really hate hate hate the spoiler part. i feel like banging, knocking, slamming to keep out all these fustration. i want to scream..ahhh!!!

i'm feeling like i'm being sticked. sticked by a stranger which i find irritating. oh god, leave me alone when i don't want you to be around. i'm just being polite alright? fate? ha ha. you are thinking too FAR.. i don't even think i would like to make the first move. you and me, generation gap alright? your topics are boring me, i rather sleep. yawnz..zzzz.. you told me that you are harmless, but i find you dangerous. i don't even wish to hear your voice or see you again moreover step into your property. that's a BIG no no. i'm putting myself into too much danger. i don't want to attract your attention. if only i knew that in the first place, i'll scram!!

i'm waiting for new year. but i'm broke broke broke. something's wrong with me. err..its my heart. it's squeezing tight, i can't breathe. not physically but i felt it mentally. i don't know what is it.. it seems to be yearning for something. worst, it seems to have a life of its own. ahh..creepy!! bleh..bullshit!

2005-11-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

Unstablize and with the little bongy feelings. I don't seem to be able to handle my anger well these days. The moment i walked out without being notice makes me feel no more than to play a game to challenge stubborness. Never will i give in, never. For ego is more important than anything else. No victory though, but anger. I wanted to keep the whole world under my feet at that time. I felt no coldness but fire instead. I know, it has changed.

Tired of the same things again and i wanted another change. There's pitiful and unbearable no more. It's all just part of the ordinary.

However, there's one thing which attack all my defences totally still. I'm trying to figure my way out for that. Argh. I'm waiting for the day to come while staying within my excitement and calmness at the same time.

I don't wish to say that i'm avoiding. I'll just like to explain that everything is just out of coincidence. Probably that makes your heart jump with joy. I don't know. That's what you make me feel. I know it's wrong. But how can i not feel that way after all of what i have seen and figure out for myself. Bragger fooling around a dumb? You know, sometimes it backfired totally. And guess what? I saw it.

2005-10-30T21:42:00.000+08:00

It was a night meant to test our guts and soothe the curiousity but it ended up as testing our patience and endurance. Anyone could named it as a fruit-less journey. A great dissappointment indeed. Perhaps bumping into the group of Singapore Paranormal Investigators or spotting some vestige on the ground makes it otherwise? Oh well, it's kind of contriduting. Before we did actually step onto the journey, there are worries and fear. The feelings of backing out and little mixture of curiousity. Not being able to find it has gotten us some great sigh.. sigh of dissappointment. (would there be some sigh of relieve? i doubt so).

Everyone seems restless after that. Shucks! We spend the rest of the night in the void with some drastic jokes and a game of truth or dare. The joke revealed the true feelings of someone? Hoho. You do care afterall huh? Act like a piece of ice to all 'you know who' affair? Ok, gotten some truth from everybody. Somethings which we seldom mention among ourselves. I don't call it confidential, but rather, something personal...

2005-10-20T00:26:00.000+08:00

3 days and 2 nights ended fast. Started off with shopping for food on monday noon and meeting up with others for the check-in. Took a cab down to our location but ended up in the wrong room. Gosh, how embarassing can that be? (if you ever ask about gaibang's embarassed happenings, i guess we have some to tell). The room turned out far from what we expected but it's cozy for a 'family' like us. How nice if we could own a house like that and to squeeze 9 of us in. Having sufficient beds of course.

First day was all the moving in, getting used and preparation of food for the bbq. It ended up rather smoothly i guess, where all our guests come and go. We had some 'dancing' in the dark and games. The first night somehow ended this way.

Waking up at around twelve odd on the second day. While waiting for yh, we are trying to wake lao da and lao er up as well. These are two lazy pigs and really difficult to handle. I wonder how could they be so punctual during our every gathering at this rate. We went to the beach but, oh well !! it's rather dirty and so we ended up in the pool. The guys joined in shortly after that till the rain chase us away. We had pizza after that together with the bbqing of the 'leftover?' food from the first night. Plans for after dinner came up. We are proceeding to the red house...(it's rumoured to be haunted)...

At the red house
All gates were locked and there is no way to enter the house. In the end, we climb over the gates. I admit that it was a difficult obstacles for me as i had not figure a way to get over. Well, it's pretty scary throughout the journey. It was in pitched darkness. It's just some small 'house' with many rooms. Soon after that, we made our way to the exit. Climbing over the gate now seems more easier than before. After this exploring came our next plan. Or rather, the guys' next plan...

Swimming pool
We made out way to the pool again but this time, with alcohol. Lol! 7 of us made our way down the pool while ling and kris mixed our liquor. Sounds luxurious? After they made their way back to the room, we continued with our craps and jokes and some talks. Few of us got alittle tipsy for a short moment though. At the moment when we made our way back, we were all shivering with cold. Credit went to kris! She cooked noodles for us while we are still in the pool. How very thoughtful. Ling on the other hand was drunk and sleeping. Same goes for marc, not drunk but sleeping. Up next...

Card games
Few of us gather around to start off with the card games. Though i'm still a noob ( i admit that) but i joined in too. Loser have to drink the liquor and give up the sit to another player who was an on-looker. Oh well, i lost few rounds of it and drank more than the others do. For the leftover of diluted liquor ( after mixing with sprite), ling has them all. Control your limits with alcohol okay ling? You are definitely getting out of hand. You know you got drunk easily. Last of all, the day ended off with us sleeping. It was around 7am the third day. Another credit to marc. He did the chores for us. Whao!!

Third day
Packing up of our belongings and the arrangement of the rooms. We are charged for destroying the towels?!?!?! Whatever, but we made our way home after that with our energy draining off.

2005-10-05T23:57:00.000+08:00

Glancing from my point of view, there's always envy. The one which i cast no barrier from the reach of my heart and one which awakens and make my soul shiver with desire was not peace, but the little fragments of sorrow that has hidden itself in the brim of happiness. Vivid imagination has put the mind in dilemma, making one think of the impossible.

Every little thing regarding the presence of today and now was moving beyond my reach, as all the reverie flow across this page. Risking away all the merciless words and information, despite its importance, staring at the sky as all of what makes me survive tomorrow made their way into the endless road of freedom while pieces of it flew pass me, there came an illusion.

What will the morrow brings? I hope a hurricane could devour every minutes and seconds till tomorrow ends. Perhaps, it's time. Reaching out my hand, i will retreive back all the pieces of ice piercing notes which have left from the gravity of it. Controlling my senses, i'm back to the present again.

2005-09-21T23:52:00.000+08:00

On one sunday night
when the moon is full

= A picture speaks a thousand words=

2005-09-18T02:55:00.000+08:00

In a glass of drink, i've tasted sweetness, filling myself with smiles and wonders. Sour taste of one's attitude and bitterness coming from somewhere deep. What's the actual taste of it when all are mixed?

I had a glee afternoon today. It was a fun day at the fair. I couldn't remember when was the last time when we '5 clover' could gather together and had so much fun. Dissappointment and upsetting situation came from dinner. I remembered that i had once mentioned that it's going autumn and this clover are falling apart soon. Perhaps when winter came, clover had vanish and it would be a forever goodbye.

Tears gathering and threatening to fall, i would sometime say, clover would fall and vanish together. No matter how far it's being swept to, it's going to be a piece of clover. However, no matter when, there's always something there threatening to step this clover into pieces.

Flying together with the mist, every broken pieces of it would occupy a place in this world but would they miss that togetherness?

Probably because of things going on at the same time, i had a tendency to hurt the innocence. I didn't mean to get harsh with the words, i seriously did not realize that. I don't know what to explain during that main point of time. If i really did so, will an apology do? I wonder...

2005-09-16T21:31:00.000+08:00

Storm came. Thunder roars, lightning struck (through my heart) as the rain rush their way down, drowning my dissappointment. Lesser pay, broken clique, monthly pay. It couldn't be that bad if there's no illusion of the situation that is completely opposite of this stupid reality. Liar liar pants on fire...

Aww.. There's alot of stuff that caught my eyes but it's beyond my ability to make them mine. It's going to be a month later before i could obtain them. Waiting...waiting..waiting. I'm being patient.

2005-09-14T03:40:00.000+08:00

Far away, hiding its presence from us, a cupid is up to mischief. Creating some fate and yet toying with our hearts...

It was yet again, a day blastered with joy and laughter. It was another sweet little gathering again. The vivid memories of songs dissolving into the room of smoke and laughter, yawns and sounds. It wouldn't be a great surprise to sense smoke while sharing a room with some smokers. Yawns, aww..that's a sign coming out from people who doesn't know how to enjoy themselves. (slient prayers: would you spare me from your clutches?)

Soon, the day was gone, the sun went down while the moon went up and the night was young, whoosh!! we found ourselves at the esplanade. Down here, we found dance entertainments from techno songs, not professionals but entertainers.

At the moment of boredom, girls do always came up with stupid ideas. The idea of eavedropping the guys' conversation. It failed of course and therefore it's stupid. The guys aren't smart, there's just loopholes in our plan. But what do guys usually talk about among themselves? I would really like to know. I'm being starve from statisfactory and filled with curiousity. Seriously.

2005-09-07T17:10:00.000+08:00

About six months have passed, everything is not what it is anymore. Six months ago, i was feeling down and carrying the regrets of not being able to get into the same school with my friends. And now again, this thought of being seperated with my classmates is tearing us apart. This few months was a total different change. Different lifestyle with different faces. But what's the same was, there are still laughters, hang-outs and other lame stuff. I love this feeling. The feeling of comfort and warm. It just feels like a home. With no desire to leave but to stay on. I don't know what to think but can i say ; i will miss them, truthfully.

With nothing much going on yesterday but still, i find it sweet. Sweet with the fate and coincidence that we shared. Though i'm not sure how many times have i encounter this but it's still sweet with some special something stirring inside me. God, i sound like a kid falling in love. I'm feeling that way too. Since when did i turn into such a kid with this kiddish mentality. With two special occasion and two sparkling fate explaining our coincidence. I wonder when did i develop this 'sixth' sense or rather some extraordinary feelings that could be able to pick up the presence of that desired one. I feel butterflies in my stomach and i was stupor. It was a good and not so good situation.

Greediness always overwhelm my satisfactory. I guess that the amount of food that me and meiyun have ordered but not being able to devour them all explains this well.

2005-05-15T14:45:00.000+08:00

It's raining rather heavily now. In such cold weather, raining outside while staying in a dark room, with soft and sentimental music playing in the background. Everything will seem so surreal. It will be such a lonely night. A night where loners started to wander off. A night where one could easily drift off to sleep, to a place where they call, Dream.

2005-05-15T14:28:00.000+08:00

I hate the fact that i could only watch from a distance and never closer. It's always by coincidence that we will meet, and it's not just once mere concidence. I guess it's more than 3 times already. Today, i saw you again. I know you didn't see me. You couldn't have seen me anyway. But there's a kind of unexplainable feelings at that moment. What does that mean? So much coincidence, all by chances...

2005-05-13T16:36:00.000+08:00

Fantasy are beauty in my eyes, for Reality are boring me. Fantasy are unreachable, Reality are just beside. We dream of what we short, and cry over what we lost. Never did we treaure, the things that are meant to be.

2005-05-13T16:27:00.000+08:00

Eyes of the Devil

Heart made of stone

He haunts the darkness

Forever alone

Lost in his shadows

He preys on the night

Assuaging the hunger

With a deadly bite

Battling damons

His fangs dripping red

Beware when this monster

Crawls into your bed

2005-05-13T15:53:00.000+08:00

In the darkness of the night, a dream came to me. A dream, an illusion, a nightmare meant for me.

2005-05-13T15:02:00.000+08:00

Friday, the 13th is here. The ignorant young kid used to be very concious about this day, but never bother to remember the dates and days. Many stories are being told to scare my wits off during those very young days. Now that i happen to realize the date and day, i was wondering what's going to happen. This is just the beginning, i'll see what happen next, for the rest of the day (Friday the 13th)...

2005-05-11T16:32:00.000+08:00

Oh alright. I'm fickled minded. Letting go..putting down. All these are just some craps that i'm using to lie. But do you really have to show me the truth? I'm regretting now alright, for being so stubborn and with that high ego. I should have agreed to that. I'm regretting but so what? Does that help to make any changes or make things better? The answer is no. I'll admit to that.

And did you ever know that just that small little things could almost make me die? It hurts, do you know that? Can't you ever just guess what i'm thinking? Do i have to be so direct and tell you? There's a no no feeling to everyone that is around now. Why do you have to be such a great attraction? I'm jealous, ok..i'm jealous. You make me stress up in a way that i couldn't describe. Sometimes i didn't even realize that i'm holding my breath.

Why can't i just stay on to what i desire? I know it's teasing and i know it's a joke. I really can't help but to feel slightly irritated. It's obvious, i'm trying hard not to but it just comes so naturally. And, irritation is what leads me to avoidance too. I'm beginning to start on that now, i think. Avoidance is a way to make those teasing stop? Give me a yes and i'll start it right away.

2005-04-12T06:05:00.000+08:00

When the storms stop, the day would soon be fair. There's an ending to every story. It might be good or bad; but whatever it is, we'll have to face it. The taste of happiness has landed on someone near. Hearing the heart cried with joy, trying to shout out loud and tell the world that the darkness was being annihilated, replaced by the shining gleam of hope.

This is one of the ending, i would truly envious...

2005-04-04T19:28:00.000+08:00

How am i suppose to let it go? I don't think i could ever do that. All i could do was to numb it. And this is true. There is not going to be anything called fairytale on earth. But never did i ever realize that i'm being controlled. Now i do not even know how to differentiate what i like from what i want. I'm afraid that i might regret. Will i really regret? There's really a long way ahead. One wrong move and it's gone. Still thinking...I'm still yet to come to a decision.

2005-03-25T05:17:00.000+08:00

Everything has tone down. It's so boring. Soon..everything will change and i don't want that. Part of me, has started to miss what i had before. Will the new beginning be a better one? God knows. New chances? Ha. I think that can only be a dream now. But i'm going to miss it. Missing is also hurting. I'm standing alone soon. Feeling the loneliness right now. This, is not the changes i want. I just hope that things will still stay the same. It's gonna to be pretty sad if it doesn't. I guess...

2005-01-19T15:20:00.000+08:00

I don't even know if things are getting better or worse. But i'm not feeling very good about it now. Not at all... Am i really asking for too much? BOTHER..Bother..bother...

2005-01-11T15:46:00.000+08:00

Now i do know that you care after all. But you still likes her don't you? It hurts you lots doesn't it? Friends perhaps. Why did you avoid the question that i've asked? It's not about you, but somebody else. i just wanted to know something. Something not regarding you. Are you so afraid that i'm telling you that i fall for you now?

I don't understand why am i falling for another, another and another but you are always part of it. Now, it's just the same. Perhaps it won't last but this is one way to make my heart leave you. I guess. I've told you all this are just part of life but ironically i've not gotten over it. I have never gotten over it in fact...

2005-01-09T10:29:00.000+08:00

You are ignoring me again. Are you doing this on purpose? You seldom did this before, apart from the incident few months ago.

I've tried to occupy myself with something else. It works though but i'm still thinking of you. Even now...

2005-01-08T12:44:00.000+08:00

Perhaps you are angry with me or you can't stand me any longer. But do you know that i'm very upset with you? I should be very angry with you, but i can't bring myself to do that. If only there is somebody else to replace you. Would you be happier or upset? Happier i guess. There are so much of ' if only...' . Before this, things between us are going smoothly. But i understand that there is no special feeling deep inside you. However, you can't speak the same for me. Because, i do...

2005-01-07T14:15:00.000+08:00

I know i'm only dreaming. Do you think that i don't know that? But do you know that the things you did are putting me into despair? Jealousy is eating up my heart like acid. My tears are threatening to fall. I just don't understand why you are doing all these. But i don't understand myself either. Knowing that it's impossible, knowing that there's another in your heart, why am i still doing this to myself? Why am i still doing this to you? Why am i still waiting..hoping and trying to linger on? I've never tried so hard to get things but this, is something which left me empty and helpless.

My tears are falling again...will you be there to comfort me? Perhaps your every moments are filled with her memories. If there's one thing you can do..that is not to treat me so well. Don't try to give me happiness and take it away from me...telling me it's not for me. It hurts..lots. Really. Make me irk at the sight of you. Make me hate you. Make me angry with you. Just don't make me love you...

2005-01-03T14:39:00.000+08:00

I really wish i could read one's mind. I'm very tired of guessing. Though i had already know the answer but i was still hoping. But, the truth hurt me once and again. All the things that i've seen and heard had put me into wild guesses and despair. What am i still waiting for, i don't know. Why am i still waiting? I don't know that either.

2004-12-24T11:55:00.000+08:00

It's a sweet beginning yesterday which lasted till today. Perhaps things are changing for the better. Though it's just a small little words exchange, but i love it just the same.

2004-12-22T13:01:00.000+08:00

During the last few weeks:

I thought i've given up, cast things away into the corner of my mind. Why do i still have the jealousy stirring inside my heart and some undecisive feelings inside me?

I really hope that i could be given another chance again. i had an impulsive feeling now, wanting to do things my way. But, i'm afraid. I'm afraid of being walk out on.

Today:

Things are no different from before. There's hope but merely illusion. Illusion... ... ...

2004-11-15T19:55:00.000+08:00

Why do i still feel so terrible and so afraid? Terrible for making the wrong decision and afraid that there's no turning back. I really don't want to admit that i'm actually lying to myself, at least for last 2 months i'm still quite sure about my stand. But, until weeks ago did i realize that i was wrong. Absolutely wrong.

Life is never fair and i know that. There are some who acheive happiness while leaving others filled with sorrow. Happiness? I believe some do deserves it but some don't. It's the same thing goes for sorrow. Till the day when you lost the happiness, the pain that you get will be much more than the happiness that you had. Does it really worth it? Cry more than you laugh? Letting all tears flood your pain?

We never treasure things until we lost it, do we? We never realize that we have taken things for granted until it comes to an end. Or perhaps, some things are meant to be like this.

2004-11-13T14:49:00.001+08:00

Stress...it causes people to turn mentally unstable. Perhaps that's the cruel part of this world. Held them like prisoners and waiting for death or rather, turn them insane. Freedom? Not a chance for that. Freedom is just an illusion for people. Yes, perhaps death is a freedom for the suffering prisoners.